I have always been very fortunate throughout my life, I had a good childhood, happy upbringing with lots of good memories. Overall, life was good and I was fairly happy, never stayed down for long. That all changed in 2018, in a matter of months, my life completely fell apart and over a year later… I am still putting it back together. My story goes like this…
A year and a half ago, I was in a relationship with what I thought was the man of my dreams, living in a beautiful house, life was good! I was working a stable job, but dreamed of something more and had been working on a career change for a while. After I finally made the leap from my old job, it turned out, the “better opportunity” went up in smoke right before my eyes. I was left panicking, with no way to pay bills in a few weeks… But my boyfriend reassured me that he would cover things for both of us for a while. So I started working on a new plan, did some research and settled on something I was excited about. I started taking steps to pursue this new path and was eager to get back to work.
A few weeks later, my world shattered to pieces. Miscarriage. At first, I wasn’t even sure what was happening… It wasn’t time for my period and this was so much different. My worst fear was confirmed after a call to a friend… I had been pregnant but didn’t know it yet, and lost it. I was absolutely devastated, completely heart broken. My whole life, I’d dreamed of being a Mom… I felt like my heart and soul had been ripped out of me, there was no joy left. Nothing but grief…
What came next, was my relationship falling apart a week later. It was brutal what he said to me, how he had lied to me that past year we had spent together. It only got worse, as he then proceeded to kick me out of the house… I was crushed.. I thought we were happy, that things were good and I was devastated to learn that had all been an illusion.
So I showed up on my parents doorstep, sobbing with a suitcase in my hand. They had no idea any of this was going on. Thankfully, I was able to move back home and I was glad to be surrounded by my family while I tried to get my life back together. A week after I move home, my cat Molly that I had for 15 years, became unexpectedly ill… 6 long weeks later, she lost her battle and I had to put her down. My heartbreak found a new depth as the last thing I had was taken from me.
The next few months were long, stressful and frustrating as I desperately looked for a job. I was finally hired, thanks to an old friend and had a new routine to keep me busy. This worked for a while, but all the emotions I had bottled up eventually boiled back to the top. It’s been a year and I am still working through all that I lost and all the issues I now have because of it.
If there’s one thing I’ve learned, it’s that healing is a process and takes a lot more than just time.
Alicia, thank you for trusting your gut to let this out, in written form. You may not realize it, but the moment you decided to write down of all the hurt, the disappointment, and the loss, you began a tiny step towards your healing process. I am sorry for all you have experienced at such a young age. Your losses are deep and real. Each loss, you hopefully are discovering, are separate, in and of each other, and will require time to process and heal. You trusted someone, which on its own, takes time and is not an easy thing to do. You will trust again. You will learn and grow from this. Your loss of your child is profound. Especially since you didn’t have a moment to treasure the experience. I know you have your family’s love and support. I hope you are getting outside counseling, too. You are feeling something not many have experienced (that you know of) but there are many others who can relate to your loss at some level. When you are ready, you will find some kindred spirits to listen to your story and share theirs. Finally, the loss of your pet. Even two years later, I still grieve the loss of our beloved family pet, Summer. For you to acknowledge that a loved one was in chronic pain, and make the very tough decision to let them go, was the strongest, most selfless thing you could ever do. Even struggling with your work and personal losses, you had the strength and courage to do the right thing. Even at your most vulnurable time, you trusted your gut when you needed to. Keep writing the hurt away. I don’t think time is the main factor in healing, especially given your multiple losses. Tiny forward steps, such as your blog, and discovering little joys and letting yourself deserve them, will slowly shift the perspective of all you are dealing with. Namaste, Alicia. You are stronger than you think. Just keep writing, breathing, one word, one breath at a time.
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Patty I am at an absolute loss for words. First off, thank you for taking the time to read what I wrote. I know it was long but there was a lot of ground to cover. From the bottom of my heart, thank you for all of your incredibly sweet words, thelove, support and encouragement… It means so much to me and your response is hands down one of the most thoughtful and heartfelt I received. I can guarantee you, that on my hard days, in my darkest hours, I will come back and re-read your message. It says everything I need to hear and it does the one big thing most people don’t do. It acknowledges the losses, each one individually. You are right, they each are their own loss and will require time and healing separately. I am slowly making my way through that process, one thing at a time. I’m not yet where I want to be, but even I can see how far I’ve come in a short period of time. And even though I’ve just begun, I already feel the difference writing has made for me. Starting this blog is one of the best things I could ever do and I will continue to write and tell my story.
Thank you again so, so much for all your sweet words, the love and support 💖 it means the world to me.
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My sweet little Alicia, I had no idea things were so bad for you because seeing you on FB it all looked like happy times.
Losing a child is devastating and its a shame the man in this scenario did not have any compassion for you at this difficult time. Sounds like a real self centered person.
It takes time to process all the obstacles you had to face , but I know for a fact that you are a very, very strong lady which comes from your background and relationship with your strong Mom and of course that wonderful Grandmother of yours, Betty KIng. Talk about strong, wow! You have those great genes to help you thru all this. Keep on keeping on, Love to you Grandma #2.
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Jo, thank you for taking the time to read what I wrote and then respond. The past year has been extremely difficult, I won’t lie about that and there have been many times when I slapped on a smile to make it through the day. Sometimes that’s what you have to do.
Loosing a baby is by far the worst thing to ever happen to me. It’s almost broke me and I still have days where something will trigger me and I’ll break down in tears like it happened yesterday. No matter how I strong I become, I know that hurt will never fully heal. But I’m doing the best I can and I think I’ve made a lot of progress from where I was a year ago.
I do have good genes from two incredibly strong and amazing women who I get to call family. I wish so badly that my Grandma was still here, my Mom told me she had a few miscarriages and it would be so nice to talk to her about it 😢 times like this make my heart ache that she’s no longer here with us… But I also feel here with me in my hard times too and I’m so grateful for that.
Thank you again for all your love and support, all my love to you always Grandma #2 😘💖😘💖
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So sorry for all you been through. Just know you have friends and family who love you and are there for you. You are such a sweet and kind soul and just know and believe that life will get better, the job and most of all, someone will come into your life that will treat you and love you for who you are. Miss your smile.
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Thank you so much, you have always been so sweet and kind to me and I appreciate it now more than ever. Thank you for taking the time to read what I wrote and offer your love and support 💖 miss you too and hope you are doing okay. Sending my love to you 😘💖😘💖
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You are a strong woman! Love, hugs, and prayers flow your way!
Kortright
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Thank you, you have and always will be someone I hold very near to my heart so I greatly appreciate your love and support 💖 hope I get to see you again sometime soon. Miss you and love you as well 😘 💖 😘 💖
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Alicia, thank you for sharing what you have gone thru. Truly your family and friends will be your greatest support. Although you and I had a brief work relationship I felt a connection. Glad I am able to say hi to you and if there is ever anything I can do ti support your journey back to the wonderful person you are please feel free to rach out .
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Maureen, first off, thank you for taking the time to read what I wrote and offer your love and support. You are such an incredibly sweet lady, I miss working with you and talking with you. We definitely did connect and I hope you know I will never forget how kind you’ve always been to me.
From the bottom of my heart, thank you for your support 💖 sending love your way 💖 😘 💖 😘
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